Recently, Abuja-based broadcast journalist, media entrepreneur and consultant with over 15 years of experience, flooded the internet with stunning photos of a second marriage which she simply called ‘Tunmigbe’, 20 years after the solemnization of her first marriage. In this interview, Olaseinde shares the secrets to a lasting marriage in a growing complex world and the early signs that a marriage is going through challenges.
Why did you have a second marriage with your husband?
It is not a second marriage, it’s still the same union, same people, same marriage, same bond and family. Let us just say it was a renewal of vows, reassurance of love, commitment and trust from two people who came from different backgrounds and decided to say ‘yes’ to each other, not knowing what the future holds but trusted God to pilot the affairs of their journey. In Yoruba language they will say ‘Tunmigbe’, (which literally means ‘marry me again’). 20 good years is not a child’s play, living with the same person day in, day out, we can only attribute it to God’s grace, faithfulness and mercy.
What lessons does it teach about marriage?
Perseverance, love, patience, humility, friendship. Like I always tell anyone who cares to listen, there comes a certain time in marriage when love will not only fail but it will fade and what will keep you is friendship because as friends no matter how worse it gets, you will stay together. You will fight, quarrel have misunderstandings but when you remember how you started as friends when you had nothing, with both of you struggling to make ends meet, you have no option but to stay true to your relationship despite the temptations and distractions from both sides.
Who suggested this renewal of marital vows, you or your husband?
Not many will believe this, sincerely my husband suggested it. I had it in mind but because of the economic situation I just wanted us to celebrate it in a low key and use any of our old pictures for social media. But my husband had a different plan and he mentioned it few weeks to our 20th wedding anniversary that he would like us to wear the traditional Aso òke as a family to celebrate the occasion. So, I keyed into it and I ran with the idea, our children didn’t know about it until everything was set. In fact our first child left for the university before the photoshoot because she didn’t want to be late for the registration. I chose the matching colour of the fabric as a woman and we had a good photo shoot. It was very low key, just with my family, no party whatsoever, just an outing to celebrate God’s faithfulness and to remind ourselves that come rain, come shine we are in this together forever.
At this time when marriages are going through tough times, yours seems to be waxing stronger, what’s the secret of a happy marriage?
Yes, you’re right, most marriages don’t even last two years and they are separated. Understanding, patience, sacrifice, respect, play a great role in marriage. My mother-in-law who is now my mum will always say “Obe ti bale ile ki je, iyale ile kii se” meaning the food that your husband doesn’t like or eat, the house wife should not cook it. For instance my husband doesn’t like peppery food while I like peppery food. There are some things he doesn’t like that I like till tomorrow, of which we still have issues about. He likes air conditioner a lot, but I don’t like it and we have to sleep together in the same room, so what do we do? I have to adjust, either we switch it off at some point and when the room is a bit warm then we switch it on again. Marriage is give and take, it entails lots of sacrifices, don’t hurt each other intentionally and if it happens call for peace. Anybody can initiate the peace process but most times my husband initiates it. God has blessed him with immense wisdom.
What do you think is the role of love in marriage?
First, there has to be a physical attraction before you love someone, I have to like what I see before I can be attracted to you. Love is key, they say love is kind and patient though it can be tested. Love has to do with emotions and if we don’t manage our emotions right, it can lead us to destruction, that is when you find spouses cheating on each other. It’s not that love no longer exists between them, they only got distracted by another person and if not properly managed it could lead to something disastrous. My husband will always say if you don’t give attention to the opposite sex it will be difficult to penetrate your heart. Paying attention to another person plays a great role in ruining your relationship / marriage. Even God knows it will happen, that is why the holy scriptures admonished us to flee, fleeing applies to both husband and wife because it is not only a man that gets admirers, women also get toasters. There have to be boundaries to save your marriage.
What are the sign posts that couples should be wary of in marriage and avoid?
Every relationship goes through challenges, recognizing or identifying the early signs is an important step toward finding solutions. There are emotional, behavioral, and practical indicators that give a hint of problems in a marriage such as pride, envy, competition, poor communication, disrespect or belittling your spouse, dishonesty, lack of intimacy, lack of trust, unnecessary arguments. You just have to ensure your marriage works.
Many say that without money, love cannot sustain marriage, do you agree?
To an extent, they might be right, money plays an important role in marriage, it reduces your stress and makes your home more accommodating. But that is not to say money is the alpha and omega, it is just an appetizer. We have homes today where they have all the money, they are very wealthy, yet they can’t put their home together, they can’t speak with one voice, they can’t live under one roof as husband and wife, they don’t even see eyeball to eyeball, it is fight every day. So, it’s really not about the money factor because we have couples who don’t have money but they live peacefully, managing themselves until money comes. For example when we decided to get married 20 years ago we didn’t have money, we didn’t have good jobs, we didn’t have a car, we only had God but I saw prospect in my husband. I knew it will get better by the day, the first five years were very rough for us but look at where we are today. We are not there yet o, but it can only be God and we are grateful that we endured the test of time.
What is the importance of marrying a friend? Does it count in marriage?
Yes, I said it earlier that when love fails or fades, friendship will keep you until you re-ignite or fuel your love again. Friendship plays a great role in marriage, that is why it is good to court for a while and marry your friend
What can you attribute to your fast career rise?
By the special grace of God, after I resigned from my former place of work, I decided to start my communications outfit, we have a studio where we do TV productions, we run online programmes. I dedicate my fast rise in career to Almighty God, the owner of life, the gift of good men and women has also helped me. God’s grace and mercy cannot be over emphasised as well as hard work, tenacity, determination and goodwill.
As a working wife and mother, how do you keep the home front going, and how did you cope with raising children and being at work?
It is not easy combining work with raising the children as well as keeping the home front. God has created us in a way that as women we multi-task, we find a way around it by balancing the equation, one must not suffer for the other. Initially it was difficult but now our children are all grown up, my first and second children are in the university, the third is in secondary school, I own my communications company by the grace of God, so I can always plan myself and my itinerary, ensuring I get home at the appropriate time and thankfully I have a supportive husband.
Do you still cook at home or the house help does that? Is there anything wrong in house helps cooking for their madam’s husband?
I still cook my meals, the era of house helps for me is gone. I had them at the early stage of my marriage but as my girls grew up, I really didn’t need them anymore. Even when I had them they were not cooking meals for me, they only cooked light meals for the children whenever I was not around. Now, my daughters can cook because I have taught them how to cook, anytime I am in the kitchen they are always with me assisting with one thing or the other, so now they can cook any meal conveniently. If they need my help I can always put them through, we improve in our cooking daily and they are learning very fast, we go to the market together so they can learn how to buy things and obviously negotiate because with time they will be on their own. As for house help cooking for their madams, it really depends on individuals. I cook personally for my husband at home. At times, I do bulk purchase, cook different soups and keep in the freezer but nowadays, power failure won’t even allow us to try that so I do the weekly stuff, buy in small quantities and set a day for myself to cook for my husband.
The role of a husband and the wife at home, should it be spelt out as rules to be strictly observed or should it be flexible?
The man is the head of the home there is no argument about that, he deserves to be respected and honoured as such. Men are like babies just treat them right. I know a friend of mine who said as long as she keeps giving her husband good sex, he can do anything for her, so that’s intimacy and they quarrel less. So every woman should identify her husband’s ‘mumu button’, because we all have one, that way you will have a successful marriage. Most men these days assist their wives, I have seen men drop off and pick their children from school, I have seen men help with cooking at home whenever they feel like, I have seen men say their wives should take the day or time off to relax and they help out, it doesn’t make them less a man they just feel the need to help. Some men go to the market to shop for their home, it is no big deal for them as long as the woman appreciates it and doesn’t abuse it in any way. While some men want to help, the attitude of their wives will not allow them offer such help, so they simply ignore it and just do the basic things that they ought to do. My advice here is do what works for you in your home, talk about it, you must always talk, communication is very important because marriage gets better with time, the older, the better. There’s no time table for any marriage, you just have to find out what works for you and be happy.
When it comes to marriage do you have a role model?
I was raised by a single mum and my mum brought me up very well, my mum was very disciplined, industrious and a God fearing woman, so I know what it means not to have a supportive husband. That experience didn’t stop me from admiring couples who lived together as a family. I made up my mind early enough to cherish my marriage, I have always wanted marriage because I love to love. Any good marriage is my role model because you certainly will learn a thing or two from them.
At what point do you advise couples to have a renewal of vows like yours?
It depends, it could be 5, 10, 15, 20 years of living together. Don’t we all affirm our love daily? Renewal of vows is necessary after you have conquered certain milestones, it is an assurance and insurance that your love and commitment is intact and not shaking.
This has been your second marriage, when should we expect your third renewal of vows ceremony with your husband?
It is still one marriage, we only renewed our vows, God willing we will do another one when we are 40, 50,70, 80 years old if Jesus tarries.
